To Love & Be Loved In Return

     I have a dream to adopt a child.  I knew that I had to try.  I will have no regrets because I tried everything humanly possible to make my dream a reality.  This included putting myself out there in a way I am not comfortable with.  It included making myself vulnerable.  It included asking for help.  A friend of mine told me, "there is something to be said for leaving no stone unturned."  I can say I did that. 

     For me, loving people is easy.  With the support of my friends, I learned how to be loved in return.  You showed me about the kind of person I would like to be.  I will never forget the supportive words, encouragement, questions, insight, empathy, and sincerity that make me feel confident the world is a better place with you in it.  I feel lucky to know you all.  You made me feel like a mother even if just for a while.
     As for the Adopt Together site, I will keep the funds until I feel certain I know what the next step will be.  If I do not adopt, I will be donating to a site to help other families.
     If you know other families who are adopting, please show them your support as well.  There are lots of kids out there in need of homes.

Surrender To What Is

     I have been given some advice by several other prospective Honduran adoptive parents already on the wait list and I am going to take it.  I am not going to be pursuing an adoption from Honduras.  Although many are hopeful the process will become smoother and quicker, it is not realistic that this will happen anytime soon.  The wait time has grown incredibly long and as of last week, there is another strike of government workers which means all work stops.  (The strike is because they have not been paid for several months, including foster parents.  Please keep them in your prayers as they may not have the resources to properly care for the children otherwise.)
     I thought at this time I would be celebrating my I-600A approval (which did arrive) and posting a photo of our Fed Ex man picking up my dossier for delivery to the adoption agency.  I had dreams of going to Tegucigalpa and meeting my little girl.  I dreamed of what she would look like, how she would act, and what every stage of her life would be like.
     I feel this is a decision I must make.  I will not regret trying to adopt internationally.  I would have regretted not trying.  I am considering my options and may or may not pursue a domestic adoption.  I will be okay, but for now I am grieving.

The Ultimate Plan

     I recently took a road trip with close friends during which time the subject of my adoption was discussed...briefly.  It was a short conversation.
     I asked what had been on my mind, "Why is this so hard?  Why doesn't anything seem to be working out?"
     The answer?  "Because you don't know the ultimate plan yet."
     Such a simple answer, and it shut me up.  There is nothing to say to follow that up.  There is no argument with that.
     Honduras may not work out for me, but there is an ultimate plan.

"There's No Crying in Baseball"

     If you saw the movie A League of Their Own, you may remember the line Tom Hank's character stated to a player during the baseball game..."Crying?  There's no crying in baseball?!"
     That scene makes me laugh every time I think of it, because Tom Hanks is funny, but also because baseball is a game!  It is suppose to be a fun game, just as adoption should be a celebratory event!  Unfortunately, there is crying in adoption. 

     You will hear repeatedly from experts that adoption is about grief.  There is grieving from all members of the adoption triad (birth parents, adoptee, and adoptive parents).  There is loss.
     There is crying because of anxiousness, confusion, fear, absence, empathy, and frustration.  
     Because of conviction, love, and sacrifice.
     There is crying because of uncertainty. 
     There is crying when people touch your heart with their amazing support!  
     When there is understanding.  When people are good to each other and also when they are not.
     There is crying when things don't go according to plan and when you can't believe they do.
     There is crying because it is a draining process.

     All of this crying, grieving, and loss sounds depressing doesn't it?  It is not all the time.  There is also happiness, hope, pride, joy, anticipation, love, understanding, respect, and healing.  It is a process. 

The Orphan Crisis: Why Help One Child?

     According to Worldwide Orphans Foundation, there are approximately 153 million orphans worldwide.  How do we stop the cycle?  Who decides what programs help best?  Should education, poverty, violence, the justice system, or unemployment be the focus?  If family preservation/reunification is not an option, do the answers lie in schools, orphanages, foster homes, or Missionary work?  Maybe some combination?

     International adoption cannot be the answer for all children, but this is what I believe.  An international adoption helps at least three children.  One child finds a home, the opening in the orphanage gives a home to a second child, and the donation made to the orphanage helps at least one other child in some way.  Many adopted children also grow up to return to their home country and help others in need. 

     Posted below is a 39 minute video of a panel of professionals (including Dr. Jane Aronson) touching on the subject of the orphan crisis.  I would definitely like to see more discussions like this...Maybe a series.  The idea of having a group of experts together is to listen to what they have to say, take that information and form our own opinions.:
http://live.huffingtonpost.com/#r/segment/solving-the-worldwide-orphan-crisis/5137ad632b8c2a5368000756

     Whether I am able to adopt a child or not is irrelevant to this post.  Taking a look at things on a broader scale, there is an orphan crisis and sooner or later, it becomes everyone's problem.

    Does anyone remember this quote from the movie Blood Diamond (the reporter Maddy says to Archer):
      "The whole country's at war.  Why should I help this one person?
      (...Pause) I can't believe I just said that."

     In this scenario, the character surprised herself with her response, but it is a question we must ask ourselves in order to best utilize our resources.  How do we help others?  For some people it may be to help one person, for some it may be to volunteer for an organization or help a group.  For me the answer is that everyone should do what is in their heart.
     ***There are lots of great organizations out there right now helping others.  Remember to look at their "About" page or "Mission Statement" to see their philosophy and check their credibility with other sources. 

My Adoption Path

     Some of you may wonder how I got to this point in the adoption process.  I will do my best to give a brief synopsis of my journey so far!
     I have always been interested in adoption and have known for a long time that I wanted to adopt a child myself.  I have had friends and family who are adoptees and who are adoptive parents.  

     Approximately 9 years ago, I decided I wanted to adopt.  I started saving money and looking into different agencies.  There was an agency a friend used and I wanted to use them as well.  China was in my heart.
     In 2006, China closed its doors to single parents.  I was crushed, but I knew that "The Adoption Monster" randomly rears its head and by the time I was ready to adopt, they may have changed their requirements again.  So I began looking at other options in the meantime.
     I strongly considered an agency working with Rawanda as a pilot program, but the timing wasn't right.  I briefly looked into Belize.
     I called about foster adopt. 
     Then the agency I wanted to work with started working with Honduras.  I fit the requirements and decided to inquire.  The day I was going to call, I opened my Facebook page and the first thing I saw was that China was opening its doors to singles again!  It was for special needs kids only.  So I had a decision to make.  Was it a sign? Was I suppose to go with China?
     After inquiring about both programs, I decided that Honduras was a good choice for me.
     In March 2011, I sent in my application.  I continued to save money, take the required adoptive parent training classes, look for a Home Study Agency, and see how the program developed.  No one had gone through the process with my agency yet.
     During the last two years, Honduras has gone through several strikes with agency workers, a restructuring of INFHA (Honduras Social Services), and a few other changes. 
     My Home Study and biometrics are complete.  However, I am not sure about moving forward with Honduras because the waiting list may take years at this point.  It is still a pilot program and things are still being worked out in-country.  I am exploring my options and have been talking with several domestic agencies.  
     I don't know where the path will lead.  I continue to ask questions and pray. 

About Honduras

     Honduras is a Central American country which shares borders with Guatemala, El Salvador, and Nicaragua.  The five stars on the Honduran flag represent the Central American countries with the middle star representing Honduras because it is central to the other countries.

     I have learned that Honduras is rich in history, culture, and resources and unsettled politically and financially.  The Bay Islands sit on the second largest coral reef in the world.  There are mountains, jungle, beaches, and cities.  Honduras is the 2nd poorest country in the Western Hemisphere.  
     The heart-breaking fact is that there are approximately 20,000 "street children"...children living on the street with no parents.  Can you imagine their plight?

Honduras Facts:
1.  Honduras in Spanish means depths.  It was named after Christopher Columbus on his fourth voyage because of the deep waters at the mouth of the Tinto o Negro River off the Mosquito Coast.

2.  Honduran Industry:  Sugar, Coffee, Textiles, Clothing; Agriculture:  Banannas, Coffee, Citrus, Beef, Timber, Shrimp; Exports:  Coffee, Bananas, Shrimp, Lobster, Meat

3.  Country Symbols:  Animal--White Tailed Deer; Bird--Scarlet Macaw; Flower--Orchid; Tree--Honduras Pine

4.  Honduras is where the term "Banana Republic" was originally coined.

5.  The Copan Ruins are considered the most important ruins for the fully intact hieroglyphs, the main source of how we know Mayan Ruins today.

Celebrate Along The Way!

     I recently travelled to St. Charles, Illinois for my brother's wedding!  The couple was stunning and the event was every bit as elegant and wonderful as I thought it would be!  I couldn't be happier for them to have found each other!  Matt and Kyrsten, you make my heart happy!

     There will be things to celebrate along the way!  Stepping back provides perspective.  May we continue to have things to celebrate!  Congratulations, Matt & Kyrsten!

Nia Vardalos--Instant Mom

Browse Inside Instant Mom by Nia Vardalos
http://youtu.be/vITWkBnTAqk

     I am very much looking forward to reading this book!  Nia Vardalos is known for writing and starring in My Big Fat Greek Wedding (I believe I saw her guest star on Law and Order SVU a few weeks ago, as well).  Nia is an adoptive parent and advocate.  I am very much looking forward to her candor, humor, and insight!  Will I pre-order a book this weekend?  I think so!

The Decision Making Process: What Adoptive Families Look Like & How They Come To Be

     Friends and Family of adoptive parents often want to know how your family came to be.  I am lucky enough to know quite a few adoptive families and they each look different (see below).  How these families came to be is due to the decision-making of the adoptive parents and the opportunities available at the time.  If I had an abundance of time and any inkling of how to do it well, I would write this post as a Flow Chart.  It would be so much more effective.  Bear with me.

 Different Types of Adoptive Families I Know:
1.  A Family who has adopted domestically and internationally.
2.  Two Families who have had biological children and adopted internationally.
3.  A Family who has had biological children, adopted internationally, and adopted from foster care.
4.  Three families who have had biological children and adopted from foster care.
5.  Two families who have adopted internationally several times.
6.  A family who has had biological children and adopted domestically.
7.  A single parent who was adopted herself (private adoption) who adopted internationally.
8.  A family who adopted internationally.
9.  A family who adopted through private adoption and international adoption.

Motivation to Adopt:
     Motivation to adopt may be for reasons such as infertility, marital status, wanting to help a child, religious reasons, feeling of purpose, ect.

Eligibility:
     Requirements to adopt (domestic or international) vary.  Examples are age, marital status, income, health status, ect.  Certain countries have different groups of children who are eligible for single parents (older children or special needs kids).

Research:
     The facts may depend on where a person finds their information.  I have received incorrect information a few times.  It may depend who calls you back first, what websites you read, if the information is up to date, are you receiving first hand information, ect.

Agencies:
     Sometimes parents know they want to use a specific adoption agency that they trust.  Someone once pointed out to me that prospective adoptive parents often trust an agency because they know someone who has had adopted from there.

Adoption fees:
     Adoption fees are lowest with foster adoption.  Private and public adoption fees vary, with international adoption having the most fees. Some of the cost of adoption is refundable. 

Profiling in Adoption:
     Currently, many adoptive parents in domestic adoption are chosen by the biological parent(s).  Some adoptive parents are worried about not being chosen because of their age, marital status, if they are already parents, ect.  Families also need to decide if they are willing to have an open, semi-open, or closed adoption.

Religion:
     Churches often do missionary work in other countries.  People's faith may draw them to adoption.  Their knowledge of certain countries may draw them to adoption from a certain place.  Domestic and international adoption are not uncommon in the church community.

Gender/Age of Child:
     Some families want to add a boy or a girl or siblings to their families.  Some parents would like to add a child under a certain age or a child compatible with the age of their other children.  Some people choose to adopt an older child to help transition them to adulthood.

Timing:
     Timing is everything.  All of the factors above (and more) may come into play when families are decision-making.  After parents have asked a thousand questions, sometimes it just boils down to starting the process and going with what they know or believe at that moment! 

     I consider all of the adoptions of the families I know success stories.  Families may start out on one path and during the decision making process, end up in a very different place.  Every adoptive family has their own story of how they came together.  Every family who chooses adoption has to ask themselves these questions (they will also be asked by their Home Study Agencies).  Did you imagine this blog in Flow Chart form? 

The Adoption Proclomation

     In pondering what my own truths about adoption are and what words I repeat over and over (in my head or out loud) these are five things I came up with:

1.  Every family has their own story:  Really.  No two stories are the same. There are too many factors (age of child/parents during adoption; domestic or international; special needs or healthy child; size of family; interracial or same race adoption; preconceived notions about adoption; open, semi-open, or closed adoption; ease of adjustment; what brought the child and family together; ect., ect., ect...). 

2.  The fast parts are too fast and the slow parts are too slow:  Someone said this to me once and I knew exactly what they were talking about.  There is a sequence to the paperwork and a time frame to follow as far as expiration dates and renewals.  Sometimes adoptive parents are just waiting for papers to arrive in the mail, forms to be checked, questions to be answered, offices to be open, rules to be regulated, ect.  And then when the ball is in their hands, it is hard to get things done quickly enough!  It is the adoption hurry up and wait.

3.  There is such a thing as the Adoption Monster:  At least in my mind.  The adoption monster is nothing more than an ever changing system.  Sometimes good changes and sometimes just more rules and restrictions.  Change in the adoption system is inevitable because times change, people change, opinions change, technology changes, power changes hands, needs change, research points us in different directions, ect.  There is something called The Hague Convention that may help uniform some adoption regulations, good or bad.  The Hague was put together to help protect children and families.  

4.  There is no "They" in adoption:  I often hear people say "They certainly don't make it easy" or "Sometimes I think They make parents jump through so many hoops to be sure they really want to be parents".  While I know what the people making these statements mean, there really is no they.  There is not one group of people regulating everything.  It is a bunch of different parts somehow all working separately to make everything happen.  In my situation, I am working with an adoption agency and a home study agency who both have to comply with rules and regulations made by individual states, the United States, and Honduras.  And to break it down further, each piece of paper processed before it gets to them may have its own complexities and path to follow.

5.  Adoption is Complex:  This may be the most true statement of all.  It is complex on many levels...personal, legal, financial, social, religious, medical, psychological, ect.  Many adoption topics loop around on one another.  How are rules made?  Who gets to decide?  How do we deal with adoption issues once children are home?  As a person who has asked a million questions, I understand that some answers have to be learned over time...by hearing many different answers and reading many different blogs and hearing many different peoples personal stories.  Even then the question may not be fully answered to your satisfaction.  Although I just proclaimed that adoption is complex, I also often believe it is as simple or complex as we as a community choose it to be.

Fear of Blogging

     I tried really hard to stay away from blogging.  There are already lots of adoption blogs out there.  Why add another blog?

Fears:

• Who will be reading this blog?  Can I convey what I write to each reader whether they are seasoned in "adoption speak" or someone who knows very little about the topic?
• How much time will I commit to each blog?  Will I do justice to each blog by taking the time to research answers or will I just be answering according to my own opinions?
• Will I be too simple or too thorough? 
• Will I know when one topic ends and another begins?
• Will adoptive parents, prospective adoptive parents, and adoptees feel I have written truth (not just my own truth)?
• What if I can't accurately describe my own thoughts and feelings in words?
• What if I share too much or come across too sappy?  
• Adoption is emotionally charged.  Not everyone will understand the roller coaster that it is...the small victories that seem huge, the wait, and at times, the hopelessness and desperation that seem to go along with the process. 
• Will people take what I am saying too lightly, too literally, or not as intended?
• Do I use humor or would it be taken out of context (the way written words often can be)?
• What if the reader doesn't know me?  Will they understand where I am coming from? 

     Fears aside, I realize that I am the only one to share my story.  By blogging, I can answer adoption questions about my story (and maybe sometimes adoption on a larger scale) to the best of my ability.  I can also share where I am at in the process emotionally, financially, and schedule-wise.
     My blog posts may build on each other somewhat.  Some things I will repeat over and over again because that is how complex topics come to make sense to me.  If you ever wonder where I am coming from, refer to this post and know that I am a person coming from a place of knowledge, vulnerability, humility, humor, and love!  I will try to be simple and thorough at the same time.