To Love & Be Loved In Return

     I have a dream to adopt a child.  I knew that I had to try.  I will have no regrets because I tried everything humanly possible to make my dream a reality.  This included putting myself out there in a way I am not comfortable with.  It included making myself vulnerable.  It included asking for help.  A friend of mine told me, "there is something to be said for leaving no stone unturned."  I can say I did that. 

     For me, loving people is easy.  With the support of my friends, I learned how to be loved in return.  You showed me about the kind of person I would like to be.  I will never forget the supportive words, encouragement, questions, insight, empathy, and sincerity that make me feel confident the world is a better place with you in it.  I feel lucky to know you all.  You made me feel like a mother even if just for a while.
     As for the Adopt Together site, I will keep the funds until I feel certain I know what the next step will be.  If I do not adopt, I will be donating to a site to help other families.
     If you know other families who are adopting, please show them your support as well.  There are lots of kids out there in need of homes.

Surrender To What Is

     I have been given some advice by several other prospective Honduran adoptive parents already on the wait list and I am going to take it.  I am not going to be pursuing an adoption from Honduras.  Although many are hopeful the process will become smoother and quicker, it is not realistic that this will happen anytime soon.  The wait time has grown incredibly long and as of last week, there is another strike of government workers which means all work stops.  (The strike is because they have not been paid for several months, including foster parents.  Please keep them in your prayers as they may not have the resources to properly care for the children otherwise.)
     I thought at this time I would be celebrating my I-600A approval (which did arrive) and posting a photo of our Fed Ex man picking up my dossier for delivery to the adoption agency.  I had dreams of going to Tegucigalpa and meeting my little girl.  I dreamed of what she would look like, how she would act, and what every stage of her life would be like.
     I feel this is a decision I must make.  I will not regret trying to adopt internationally.  I would have regretted not trying.  I am considering my options and may or may not pursue a domestic adoption.  I will be okay, but for now I am grieving.

The Ultimate Plan

     I recently took a road trip with close friends during which time the subject of my adoption was discussed...briefly.  It was a short conversation.
     I asked what had been on my mind, "Why is this so hard?  Why doesn't anything seem to be working out?"
     The answer?  "Because you don't know the ultimate plan yet."
     Such a simple answer, and it shut me up.  There is nothing to say to follow that up.  There is no argument with that.
     Honduras may not work out for me, but there is an ultimate plan.

"There's No Crying in Baseball"

     If you saw the movie A League of Their Own, you may remember the line Tom Hank's character stated to a player during the baseball game..."Crying?  There's no crying in baseball?!"
     That scene makes me laugh every time I think of it, because Tom Hanks is funny, but also because baseball is a game!  It is suppose to be a fun game, just as adoption should be a celebratory event!  Unfortunately, there is crying in adoption. 

     You will hear repeatedly from experts that adoption is about grief.  There is grieving from all members of the adoption triad (birth parents, adoptee, and adoptive parents).  There is loss.
     There is crying because of anxiousness, confusion, fear, absence, empathy, and frustration.  
     Because of conviction, love, and sacrifice.
     There is crying because of uncertainty. 
     There is crying when people touch your heart with their amazing support!  
     When there is understanding.  When people are good to each other and also when they are not.
     There is crying when things don't go according to plan and when you can't believe they do.
     There is crying because it is a draining process.

     All of this crying, grieving, and loss sounds depressing doesn't it?  It is not all the time.  There is also happiness, hope, pride, joy, anticipation, love, understanding, respect, and healing.  It is a process.