Celebrate Along The Way!

     I recently travelled to St. Charles, Illinois for my brother's wedding!  The couple was stunning and the event was every bit as elegant and wonderful as I thought it would be!  I couldn't be happier for them to have found each other!  Matt and Kyrsten, you make my heart happy!

     There will be things to celebrate along the way!  Stepping back provides perspective.  May we continue to have things to celebrate!  Congratulations, Matt & Kyrsten!

Nia Vardalos--Instant Mom

Browse Inside Instant Mom by Nia Vardalos
http://youtu.be/vITWkBnTAqk

     I am very much looking forward to reading this book!  Nia Vardalos is known for writing and starring in My Big Fat Greek Wedding (I believe I saw her guest star on Law and Order SVU a few weeks ago, as well).  Nia is an adoptive parent and advocate.  I am very much looking forward to her candor, humor, and insight!  Will I pre-order a book this weekend?  I think so!

The Decision Making Process: What Adoptive Families Look Like & How They Come To Be

     Friends and Family of adoptive parents often want to know how your family came to be.  I am lucky enough to know quite a few adoptive families and they each look different (see below).  How these families came to be is due to the decision-making of the adoptive parents and the opportunities available at the time.  If I had an abundance of time and any inkling of how to do it well, I would write this post as a Flow Chart.  It would be so much more effective.  Bear with me.

 Different Types of Adoptive Families I Know:
1.  A Family who has adopted domestically and internationally.
2.  Two Families who have had biological children and adopted internationally.
3.  A Family who has had biological children, adopted internationally, and adopted from foster care.
4.  Three families who have had biological children and adopted from foster care.
5.  Two families who have adopted internationally several times.
6.  A family who has had biological children and adopted domestically.
7.  A single parent who was adopted herself (private adoption) who adopted internationally.
8.  A family who adopted internationally.
9.  A family who adopted through private adoption and international adoption.

Motivation to Adopt:
     Motivation to adopt may be for reasons such as infertility, marital status, wanting to help a child, religious reasons, feeling of purpose, ect.

Eligibility:
     Requirements to adopt (domestic or international) vary.  Examples are age, marital status, income, health status, ect.  Certain countries have different groups of children who are eligible for single parents (older children or special needs kids).

Research:
     The facts may depend on where a person finds their information.  I have received incorrect information a few times.  It may depend who calls you back first, what websites you read, if the information is up to date, are you receiving first hand information, ect.

Agencies:
     Sometimes parents know they want to use a specific adoption agency that they trust.  Someone once pointed out to me that prospective adoptive parents often trust an agency because they know someone who has had adopted from there.

Adoption fees:
     Adoption fees are lowest with foster adoption.  Private and public adoption fees vary, with international adoption having the most fees. Some of the cost of adoption is refundable. 

Profiling in Adoption:
     Currently, many adoptive parents in domestic adoption are chosen by the biological parent(s).  Some adoptive parents are worried about not being chosen because of their age, marital status, if they are already parents, ect.  Families also need to decide if they are willing to have an open, semi-open, or closed adoption.

Religion:
     Churches often do missionary work in other countries.  People's faith may draw them to adoption.  Their knowledge of certain countries may draw them to adoption from a certain place.  Domestic and international adoption are not uncommon in the church community.

Gender/Age of Child:
     Some families want to add a boy or a girl or siblings to their families.  Some parents would like to add a child under a certain age or a child compatible with the age of their other children.  Some people choose to adopt an older child to help transition them to adulthood.

Timing:
     Timing is everything.  All of the factors above (and more) may come into play when families are decision-making.  After parents have asked a thousand questions, sometimes it just boils down to starting the process and going with what they know or believe at that moment! 

     I consider all of the adoptions of the families I know success stories.  Families may start out on one path and during the decision making process, end up in a very different place.  Every adoptive family has their own story of how they came together.  Every family who chooses adoption has to ask themselves these questions (they will also be asked by their Home Study Agencies).  Did you imagine this blog in Flow Chart form? 

The Adoption Proclomation

     In pondering what my own truths about adoption are and what words I repeat over and over (in my head or out loud) these are five things I came up with:

1.  Every family has their own story:  Really.  No two stories are the same. There are too many factors (age of child/parents during adoption; domestic or international; special needs or healthy child; size of family; interracial or same race adoption; preconceived notions about adoption; open, semi-open, or closed adoption; ease of adjustment; what brought the child and family together; ect., ect., ect...). 

2.  The fast parts are too fast and the slow parts are too slow:  Someone said this to me once and I knew exactly what they were talking about.  There is a sequence to the paperwork and a time frame to follow as far as expiration dates and renewals.  Sometimes adoptive parents are just waiting for papers to arrive in the mail, forms to be checked, questions to be answered, offices to be open, rules to be regulated, ect.  And then when the ball is in their hands, it is hard to get things done quickly enough!  It is the adoption hurry up and wait.

3.  There is such a thing as the Adoption Monster:  At least in my mind.  The adoption monster is nothing more than an ever changing system.  Sometimes good changes and sometimes just more rules and restrictions.  Change in the adoption system is inevitable because times change, people change, opinions change, technology changes, power changes hands, needs change, research points us in different directions, ect.  There is something called The Hague Convention that may help uniform some adoption regulations, good or bad.  The Hague was put together to help protect children and families.  

4.  There is no "They" in adoption:  I often hear people say "They certainly don't make it easy" or "Sometimes I think They make parents jump through so many hoops to be sure they really want to be parents".  While I know what the people making these statements mean, there really is no they.  There is not one group of people regulating everything.  It is a bunch of different parts somehow all working separately to make everything happen.  In my situation, I am working with an adoption agency and a home study agency who both have to comply with rules and regulations made by individual states, the United States, and Honduras.  And to break it down further, each piece of paper processed before it gets to them may have its own complexities and path to follow.

5.  Adoption is Complex:  This may be the most true statement of all.  It is complex on many levels...personal, legal, financial, social, religious, medical, psychological, ect.  Many adoption topics loop around on one another.  How are rules made?  Who gets to decide?  How do we deal with adoption issues once children are home?  As a person who has asked a million questions, I understand that some answers have to be learned over time...by hearing many different answers and reading many different blogs and hearing many different peoples personal stories.  Even then the question may not be fully answered to your satisfaction.  Although I just proclaimed that adoption is complex, I also often believe it is as simple or complex as we as a community choose it to be.

Fear of Blogging

     I tried really hard to stay away from blogging.  There are already lots of adoption blogs out there.  Why add another blog?

Fears:

• Who will be reading this blog?  Can I convey what I write to each reader whether they are seasoned in "adoption speak" or someone who knows very little about the topic?
• How much time will I commit to each blog?  Will I do justice to each blog by taking the time to research answers or will I just be answering according to my own opinions?
• Will I be too simple or too thorough? 
• Will I know when one topic ends and another begins?
• Will adoptive parents, prospective adoptive parents, and adoptees feel I have written truth (not just my own truth)?
• What if I can't accurately describe my own thoughts and feelings in words?
• What if I share too much or come across too sappy?  
• Adoption is emotionally charged.  Not everyone will understand the roller coaster that it is...the small victories that seem huge, the wait, and at times, the hopelessness and desperation that seem to go along with the process. 
• Will people take what I am saying too lightly, too literally, or not as intended?
• Do I use humor or would it be taken out of context (the way written words often can be)?
• What if the reader doesn't know me?  Will they understand where I am coming from? 

     Fears aside, I realize that I am the only one to share my story.  By blogging, I can answer adoption questions about my story (and maybe sometimes adoption on a larger scale) to the best of my ability.  I can also share where I am at in the process emotionally, financially, and schedule-wise.
     My blog posts may build on each other somewhat.  Some things I will repeat over and over again because that is how complex topics come to make sense to me.  If you ever wonder where I am coming from, refer to this post and know that I am a person coming from a place of knowledge, vulnerability, humility, humor, and love!  I will try to be simple and thorough at the same time.